Tired of the Bullshit

Temptation put up a really fine bit of writing about face slapping a few days ago: http://temptation-unleashed.blogspot.com/. Made some sense about the topic in a dispassionate, sort of "technical" sense, which is a welcome relief in the midst of all the emotional heat that's been generated here about the subject.

Then, as with everywhere else this has come up, the 'cussin and disscussin' began. It seems to drag in people who've, up until now, had no acquaintance or even remote interest in "US." Everybody is seemingly fascinated by the slap heard 'round the world and what it might imply about the state of my mental well-being and the nature of our polyamorous relationship in general. I can't quite figure out what the draw is, but I'm beginning to be curious, frankly.

Here's a comment on Temptation's blog, by someone named Amber. I went and looked to figure out who she is and what her interest might have been. She claims she's submissive, but when I read her blog, it seems that her family is really more in the wine business. No harm, no foul. That's interesting and really pretty neat, actually... Still... Makes a person go, "hmmmm...."

"Amber said (in part)...
Being the gossip whore that I am, I went and read the blogs of everyone involved and my take on it isn't that everyone was freaked out so much by the slap itself, but Swan's feelings going up to and surrounding the slap. Although her Dom slapped her to calm her down... I believe what offended some people was ...what APPEARED to be a blatant disregard for Swan's feelings leading up to that moment. By all parties involved.The sadness and jealousy Swan felt when she posted that entry was palpable. She wrote of feeling worthless and not anywhere near as valuable to Tom as the new woman Jewels was...I can't claim to understand poly relationships very well. My first introduction to them was through the novels of Heinlein. In Heinlein's world, everyone was loved equally and everyone seemed to be happy with the multi-family situation. Share and share alike and no one was jealous...Swan was hurt, though she is striving to try and work through this. And this is her choice...She's choosing to stay with her eyes open. She's the second woman in the relationship already, coming in on the heels of Tom's wife. So she knew what was coming...

Well, Gosh! Don't I feel special. Everyone, everywhere is all over my poor little tender feelings. So much so that they are all making sure to include in every single conversation at least one caveat that makes it clear that I am, after all the "SECOND WOMAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP ALREADY, COMING IN ON THE HEELS OF TOM'S WIFE. SO I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING..." What the bloody fuck did I expect after all!?!?!?!?! Right?

I'm getting pretty much over this crap at this point ladies and gents. I've explained all nice and polite like, and answered direct questions, asked in a civil fashion as best I can. However, I am certain of one thing -- Amber, whoever she is, has labeled this bit correctly: GOSSIP.

I don't read Heinlein. Never have. I know that there are plenty of people who know what little bit they think they know about poly from what they've read about it in that science fiction drivel. What I live is not science fiction. It isn't any kind of fiction. What I write about it here isn't fiction either. When you start scratching and clawing, you are scratching and clawing at real people, even if you can't actually see us or touch us. We're pretty tough but we are not without hearts or souls. So while you are yammering on about our feelings, pull your damn claws in.

Polyamory can be wonderfully enriching for those who live it. More love does make more love. It is also remarkably complex. Human beings are not simple creatures and human relationships are dynamic and intensely fluid systems. Look around you at your own relationships and at those of the people you know well. How many of them are happy, stable, and healthy? If those relationships are comprised of coupled pairs (as is the "norm" in our society), consider how much effort goes into maintaining those coupled relationships in that state of happy, stable, and healthy relatedness. Acknowledge honestly that there are times when even the best paired relationships experience periods of uncertainty and insecurity and conflict. Now, consider what might be the added levels of complexity if even the most successful pair you know were to attempt to incorporate a third member, or a fourth or a fifth... The demands on time, energy, communication, sharing all the resources of relatedness become multiplied not just once but many, many times over. There ARE feelings of all sorts to be dealt with. Even if the addition of that new partner is an occasion for great joy and happiness on the part of all or most of the members of the family there will be stresses and strains and feelings. It isn't all simple and easy and without bumps. Feelings are not BAD. They are simply feelings.

When we came to be a poly family in the first place, there were plenty of feelings and not all of them were happy. T was hurt and jealous and stunned. She's written about that here. So, yeah, for those of you that figure I'm getting what I had coming, I guess you are right. That Scarlett Letter must fit somewhere... She and I regularly run through the litany: "Cunt, Slut, Bitch, Whore!" It is our joke that we bring out when she reminds me that she is likely to successfully make the transit through menopause ahead of me and that I'll continue to bleed for both of us until I am 97... We can laugh with each other, knowing that those are epithets that the world hurls at us on a regular basis. Still there is sting there. We laugh so that we don't have to cry.

As for the whispers that are out there that I (or perhaps "we") are mistreated... It is simply not so. Master is a man. Not a "god." He has faults and flaws. We call Him on them. He gets tired and worried and frustrated and sometimes even fearful. Sometimes He reacts in ways that He later regrets. He learns and grows. We all do. There is this impossible standard held up that Dominants and Masters must be perfect, must be unerring, must never falter in their judgements or in their actions, or in their decisions. Bullshit. I want no part of the man who cannot fail, who cannot admit failure or error.

Those of you who are judging that there have been things done here that were "wrong," be very careful. Make very sure that you are always, always right. That you have never betrayed a trust, never misjudged, never lost your temper in the heat of the moment. It is easy to look on from afar and KNOW that you would do it better. Far, far harder to actually live it when it is real.

swan