BDSM, Polyamory, Security, Love, Choices, and What it all Looks Like...

There's apparently (well and obviously) been some anxiety among some who read here in the last days that what I've written indicates that I am insecure and, perhaps, less well loved or cared for than I ought to be within my family and my relationship than I ought to be, or than I deserve. I understand how it is entirely possible for people, looking in from outside, with limited ability to see the broad picture, and without much history, to take the heavy stuff that sometimes flows across the screen here and leap to conclusions that make absolute sense... Except that they really don't in this context. Because my life IS alternative, by choice, by design, and maybe by something bigger than any of that...

Those of you who have noted a tendency in me toward personal insecurity are not far off the mark. I'm strong and talented and bright and capable. I have a career of which I am extremely proud, and within which I feel remarkably accomplished. However I have a history that has left scars and it is possible to trigger abandonment issues in me without a whole lot of energy. That goes back a very long way...

I have a brother who is 16 months younger than me. He was born 3 months prematurely, in 1956, weighing 2 pounds-6 ounces. He was one very sick baby, and not expected to live. In fact, it was a wonder my mother survived his birth. Today, he stands well over 6' tall and weighs in at something over 200 lbs. In the beginning, though, he spent 6 months in the hospital. My beleaguerd parents were simply overwhelmed. They essentially handed me over to some neighbors so that they could spend their time with my brother. I understand that in intellectual terms -- it makes perfect sense to me from this distance. I don't think I was harmed or abused by that arrangement in any physical sense. However I do know that I am aware of how easy it is to be "sent away." My sense of having a place to belong is, to this day, very tenuous. It is simply not possible to talk rationally to that baby.

When I told that story to jewels, she commented that she was surprised that I would choose a life path that would so challenge that fear... I suppose that there are "safer" paths. The fact is that I tried the "secure" route of traditional marriage and family. It meant I lived a life that left me "dead" inside. The life I live today sometimes pushes me, sometimes challenges me, sometimes even scares the willies out of me -- not because of real threats, but because of imaginings that are built out of shadows. I choose to walk with those challenges rather than live a life that is numb and lifeless. My insecurities are earned and true. Like the other scars I've earned from being alive, they mean I'm human. I'm not ashamed of them. I have no intention of letting them keep me from living fully or loving fully. I'll be scared if that's what it takes. I believe that, when I'm really scared, there will be someone who loves me to hold me until the fear subsides.

Other people seem to think that maybe I'm not well loved, that I might even be abused within this relationship.

I think it is very hard to see BDSM practice described in graphic terms when that reaches a level where it may not be simply "fun" anymore. Many people play with BDSM for bedroom "spice." It has gotten to be quite stylish. That is not what we do.

Ours is a relationship that is about power exchange. There is a very high end SM component to that which is primarily about impact play. Other people engage in other kinds of SM play, but that is our primary mode. I am a masochist, but I am not the sort of masochist who tends to eroticize pain in a classic sense. I don't get much sexual pleasure from pain -- it doesn't make me cum, generally. I will crave it, sexually, if it doesn't happen in a fairly regular pattern, but it doesn't turn me on. What draws me is the loss of control that pain brings. I don't have to enjoy it for that to happen. Our play is at His pleasure. He defines the when, the where, the how. If I enjoy, then that is a bonus, but not His concern, or His responsibility. I understand that and I consent to that. I will struggle with it and I will sometimes fight it, even resent it. It is not easy to give up ever greater levels of personal power, especially when it is about things that go deep. However, it is what I came to ask for, expected when I came into this relationship, sought out here, wanted. It is different than D/s or DD in that way. And it is not abusive.

I do understand abuse. I am a card carrying feminist. Literally. I've advised many women on when and how to leave abusive relationships. Taken some out of just such relationships. I know the drill. I am not alone here either. I have a sister and a partner in T. When I am most uncertain, most shocked, most upset, she sees me, asks me, demands to know what's up. She'll take us to task and check it out. She'd never stand for anything that was over the line. But she is experienced in the lifestyle, too. She understands how different it is inside the life. It is not possible to apply vanilla standards to lifestyle realities. You can look at this but you have to be careful to not assume you know what it is you are looking at. We are different. I am different.

I am ferociously loved. Sometimes literally. And I love just as ferociously.

I chose. Once. Choosing, I laid my choices at His feet. There are no other options now. Where He takes me now, I will go. Easily if I can, or dragged by the hair. Sometimes the one, sometimes the other.

You will see the joy and elation of the one by times, and then, again, the sturm and drang of the other. If you find the unsettledness of that turmoil disturbing, there are more civilized, and probably sexier places to read.

swan