Slave Thoughts

Along with all the rest of the emotion that is being stirred up these last days, I've been doing some heavy thinking. Part of that is because the reactions to these events have polarized people's reactions, causing them to judge what has happened through filters that, to a very large degree, discount the foundational fact that I live as a consensual slave. Those are not, for us, simply words. They define a reality that runs deep, and, while we do not practice elaborate rituals and protocols for the most part, we do live that reality at the core of our relationship. It is who we are with one another.

It is easy to equate consensual slavery with something fictionalized and sort of sexy in a kinky sense. Always at Master's command for a quick spanking and a fuck or whatever. I think it might have been Gabriel from Once Bitten who called it "Butt Sex and Blow Jobs" or some such... If it were that simple, all the cyber wannabes who lay claim to the Master/slave title would go out and buy themselves a collar and a bit of leather or a chain or a leash and life would be good.

Actual power exchange gets a whole lot more complicated when it comes down to taking away true control from one intelligent and multi-faceted and determined human being by another. Especially when you get to the layers of control that actually matter and that mean something.

I remember fantasizing about having control taken from me when I was yet pre-adolescent. All my most erotic dreams have focused in that direction in some way. As have all my most potent fears and terrors. When I first began to explore power exchange in earnest, reading and searching on line, I found, very quickly, that the places where I felt I would likely feel myself pushing boundaries were areas where I would have large bits of personal control pulled away from me. Not SM play... Control...

Slavery goes to that place.

It is common, in the lifestyle, for one to hear how a Master ought to treasure and honor a slave. Anonymous commented to that effect recently here, noting that I am mistreated and abused rather than treasured as I ought to be. In reality, I am both treasured and enslaved. There are times when I soar at His pleasure. However, there are times when He nails me with the flaws and failings He sees in my character, development and service; when He notes the places where I fail to bend to His will as I ought. He is not slow to make it clear that such flaws and failings are inappropriate and unacceptable. I am His, and He will have from me my best -- not my best effort -- my best.

This passage has been a stretch. Promises to be a stretch. I am finding I am lacking in trust. It is shocking to me. I ought to be better. I'm not. But I will be. I am sure. I will grow. I ought to be more secure. I'm not but I will be. I ought to be more generous and more open. I will learn. Our family is His to shape as He sees fit. He will steer us well. I need to see His vision.

Slavery can be joyous, sexy, thrilling. For me, it is often easy and light and fun. We are a well matched pair and the yoke I wear is usually light. But I am a slave and I do have a Master who owns me. When He calls me to obey, it is His right to do so, and there is no question as to the how or why at that point. I do not judge that. The filters that apply to other relationships do not apply to ours. It is a difficult distinction in some ways. I may quiver and I do struggle. It is what I choose. Ultimately, it is what I am and how I am best.

swan