Raw is Potential

Reading here over the next while is likely to not be for the faint of heart.

I had simply gone silent, knowing that the turmoil inside was not pretty, and opting to keep it inside rather than spew it all over here. There is no eloquence to me when my thoughts and feelings boil like they are now. I am simply raw and the words that express that rawness are not fine and polished. They spill everywhere without much to hold them back and without much finesse. I began to write again because I was commanded to. Commands are commands.

Jewels, please... We are friends. Were and are. The tenderness right now is palpable. I am sorry for that. Stay with me. I know that is a lot to ask. Thank you for the patience you are bringing to this. I am not meaning to hurt you. And I really know you meant no harm at all. I told you not to take responsibility for what is not yours. I meant it then and I mean it now.

Searabbit, your question about T is perfectly on target. She is what I hope to be someday when I grow up. She laid a path that I hope to learn to walk. She made space for me simply because I made Tom happy. I am sure it didn't necessarily make her ecstatic. She figured it out somehow. Jewels thrills Tom on so many levels. I will find this path if I have to move along it on my belly. T left me enough markers.

Jewels talked about the consensual side of things and the slapping that did, in fact, occur Saturday night. And anonymous calls it abuse... Even jack, who is a friend who has been with us for a lot of years suggests that it is perhaps time for me to walk away... The reality is that there is something in that moment that is riveting and difficult and painful and shocking. It is so elemental that it shifts the conversation and the tone. For me. For us. For everyone who thinks or knows about it. It is the quintessential act of ownership and control, when one person removes from another the possibility of believing they have a choice or an equal standing in the power exchange. I consented to His right to handle that moment in that way long ago. It didn't feel fair and it didn't feel just and it didn't feel reasonable to me in that instant. Still doesn't. I felt outraged and hurt and betrayed and humiliated, and it was His absolute right to choose to end the escalation of my behavior as He saw fit. We will, as we work through all the emotions around all of this, come to "the slap" perhaps. When we do, we'll work with whatever is attached to it. We've dealt with much bigger stuff. We know we can do that as well. He stopped a spiral that needed to be stopped. He took control. I ask Him for that. Expect it. That it infuriates and scares me sometimes is my personal internal battle.

I am raw. I am all nerves. I am frightened. I am also growing and learning. Hang on for a wild ride. I have no idea where this is going. What I know for absolute certainty is that, short of His releasing me, I'll be the slave of the Heretic when the whirling stops.

swan