Feelings
It is back to school for me.
And it feels too soon. I'm really not ready. Oh, I'll do OK in terms of the course material, but I'm emotionally drained, and that is not a good thing when there are 50 adolescents walking through your door every morning at 7:30 AM. It isn't something that a person can fake. You've got to love them, and you've got to have the energy to take whatever they bring you of their lives and their hearts and give what you have to give them -- wholly and fully or it just isn't good enough. I am just so tired.
And I am acutely aware that I am a stranger in this community. It is so provincial. So conservative. So wary of me -- of my wildness, my "foreign-ness." These are people who have lived their whole lives in this neighborhood, who all live within a few blocks of their parents and cousins and aunts and uncles. Many of them have never traveled out of the neighborhood, much less the city... I've left my home, my family, divorced my husband... I'm living here, miles from my home, rootless and with no discernible reason for being here. To them, I am a gypsy, and therefore a dangerous and mysterious woman. I threaten everything they value and believe in. They mistrust me at very deep levels. I am a subject of gossip and open dislike for many of them. The weird rumors that swirl around me are almost funny if they weren't so downright mean... I'd leave if I didn't need the gig. If there weren't the kids... I just love the days that I spend in the classroom working with the magical kids...
And I am finding myself feeling shy -- Noticing my shyness again. We're connecting to some new friends again. Making new connections. Opening up and forming relationships. It is good. Makes for the potential of less loneliness and less isolation. This is a positive. But it exposes me to strangers. People I don't know. Master gets all wound up and excited and jazzed. I find I want to back into a corner and watch for awhile. Listen and hear and watch and observe and just get the feel for it all. It scares me. Makes me nervous. I'm not a person who makes friends easily. Not a cocktail party sort. Let me just go slowly... I'm the sincere introvert in the triad. So, I'm feeling socially overwhelmed.
And there is energy flowing every which way... Eeek.... Like an electrical storm gone wild. I can't control it. Can't channel it. Can't make it be nice. Can't make it be tidy. All I can do is try to hold on to the currents and direct them. I am the one who reflects, deflects, vibrates, overloads, and ultimately just short-circuits with all the various frequencies in the family. Crispy critter...
Did I say fragile?
swan Link
posted by Sue @ 5:07 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
*hugs* Hang in there.
thanks guys....
swan
swan small communities can be difficult, I know, I live in one. I moved down from London to a small community in the far west, I've lived here for nearly twenty years. I'm just about accepted now.
Hang in there girl, you love the children, some of them will realize that and reciprocate, that is pretty wonderful. Hugs :-)
I can only repeat what everyone has said: hang in there, you'll do fine.
I am sorry you feel so not-a-part of this community in which you educate their children, for Christ's sake. They should have you on a pedestal. After reading this, I can't get past the "50" students. You have 50 students? How do you grade papers? How do you maintain classroom control? It's hard to be effective and meet all the students' needs when there are 20-30, much less 50.
Hang in there.
kaylem, you are right about focusing on what is important... That is exactly the strategy I'm trying to use -- keep my eyes and my mind and my heart on the kids and the work to be done, and try not to get tangled up in the nastiness. I can't do the work I need to do if my energies are diverted into wickedness...
nik -- that "50" includes 3 classes: 6th, 7th, and 8th graders. The 7th grade bunch are "mine," technically speaking. They are my homeroom class. I teach math and computer for all three grades. We are such a small school, that they all seem like "ours" and we make very little distinction between the classes. The homeroom teacher distinction is really a "housekeeping" and book-keeping convenience. I know them all, and am in the hallway at 7:30, saying "Hi," and doing the meet and greet thing that is so important to getting the day going with teenagers. From that point on, it is go-mode... Our actual "butts in the seats" count at any given moment is about 18...
swan
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