SM Confusion
I bleed, I blister, I bruise, I welt, I cry and rage and sometimes break... When we play the way He likes to play, the way He fantasizes about playing, it marks me physically and emotionally. He worries about damaging me; harming me. So He backs way off; giving me time to recover and heal.
It feels, to me, like being cut lose. Like I have failed the test. Until today, we haven't talked about it.
I think it is making us both sad and confused -- not sure how to go forward from here. Love makes SM way more complex sometimes.
swan Link
posted by Sue @ 9:17 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Oh swan, doesn't it just, don't forget Tom is possibly in the same boat, I do sympathize.
Talking is the key...
...talking is *definitely* the key...
(Master may be talented, but its probably not in his skill set to be able to read your mind)
There's only so much a body can take without serious damage. It sounds to me as though you are wanting more emotionally than your body can stand physically, and Tom is wanting that, too, but of course he doesn't want to inflict irreversible damage so he has to back off. No matter how strong your feelings, you have to be practical and work within the limits of your equipment (your two bodies I mean), otherwise it will be damaged beyond its power of self-repair and will malfunction.
It seems to me that what you need is a third party (call it a therapist for want of a better term; or perhaps mentor would be better) who is fully in sympathy with what you both want and what you do. Such a person probably exists somewhere, but where to find them?
I have read every one of your posts on this blog, with great interest and sympathy, and I have recently - not just today, but for some weeks - had the feeling that the course of your love will have to turn somehow and explore different channels together. You are both so thirled to your respective identities as sadist and masochist that you aren't considering further possibilities. Don't ask me what those possibilities are; but I feel someone could help you find them.
Love to you both
Malcolm
We've definitely found ourselves in a place of transition. Forced largely by the inevitabilities of female aging. My body simply will not do what it would three years ago, no matter what I might wish it to. Extreme play leaves marks that are scary looking, and while I don't object, I believe He feels concerned about it. And my pain tolerance seems remarkably less than it was. He could surely tie me down, gag me and go for it. He won't. Love has tempered the drive to hurting me at that level. He chooses not to go there it seems. At least, I think (guess) that is what is going on. When I sob my sorrow about how seldom we play, that is mostly what I hear, although there is a frisson of confusion about what He should do about my frustration when I am not spanked and then my fury when it hurts... It confuses and angers/frustrates Him. Early on, He'd have not had a problem dealing with it -- He'd have gone His own way. Now, He worries that it isn't good for me. We are stuck at odds it seems. We'll find our way. It is one of the difficulties of an "alternative" lifestyle -- you can't meet friends for coffee at your favorite restaurant and discuss what to do about this sort of thing... We are pretty much alone here with this one...
Thanks for listening all...
swan
Thank you, Loki...
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