Swan's Confession

Master has fallen in love. Deeply. Passionately. At a level that no one anticipated, that no one expected, or went looking for, or sought. It came about because of connections made here at "The Swan's Heart," and it is intense, and it is undeniable. He and jewels are as twins, almost literally -- ask her. She can do the astrological chart stuff that proves it, but if you spend time with them, you don't need the charts. They are twins -- He and she. It is scary. The first face to face meeting of a two month whirlwind on line and phone escalation happened this past weekend when Loki and jewels (of Lock and ki) came to us here in Cincinnati and graced us with their presence and their charm and their incredible love and generosity. You can read the coherent version of the time we spent together here: http://lockandki.blogspot.com/2005/09/dotted-lines.html

They were spectacular. Together and as individuals. Amazing.

My sister-heart was stunning. Planned menus that were simply awesome in their complexity and warmth and variety. She cooked and served an array of meals and snacks that had us all reeling from the sumptuousness of the flavors. As always, she was the consummate hostess.

I was useless and worthless and helpless and unpleasant and just a mess. It wasn't my intention but it is the simple fact. By Saturday night, He was so furious with me, that He ended the evening, finally so frustrated and angry that, when I was so clumsy as to spill a can of orange soda in the bedroom and then tried to clean up the mess, frantically pitching a bottle of advil onto the bed to get them out of the way, and hitting Him with them, He smacked me across the face and told me to get my ass to bed. As I stood quivering and in shock, I had a moment of utter confusion as my mind refused to process anymore. The orange soda ran everywhere and I finally just gave it up. I went to bed and remained still and rigid most of the night, afraid to move or sleep. Dawn came finally and somehow I made it through the rest of the weekend. He made it clear to me that I'd ruined the whole weekend for everyone and so added to my utter and complete shame.

I live as part of a poly household and a poly family and it is comfortable. I never meant to be poly. It is not something I chose. It turned out that way. I've never sought to expand this arrangement. Never wanted any other partner beyond Master. I've known He spanked others when He found me. Known He has always wanted other spanking partners. There have been other possibilities. There was Jacquie at one point. She and her partner were visitors at one point, but the interest soon dissipated. We've had other contacts along the way, but nothing serious. Sort of social. That didn't extend to LOVE. I knew it was out there, but I've tried not to look. Denial worked for me. I'm selfish. I want the time that we three have. I want the simplicity of our little stable world. I want to know that when it is time to snuggle in at night, that's it -- no tricks, no surprises, no guessing. I am just bad. I understand my T, and she understands me. We have our rhythms. We know who does what and how and when.

Part of me knew that when He did find someone that clicked, He would love her, and there would be none of that silly nonsense about going as slow as the slowest one. It just wasn't going to happen that way. He gets what He wants. Always.

Enter jewels. He loves her. Totally. Loves her in ways He will never, ever love me. He knows her. She's like Him. No silly Aquarian weirdness for Him to try and decipher, none of that airy, fairy watery bullshit. Solid and straightforward. He gets it. It makes sense. He'll go places with her, that He'll never ever think about for me. See things with her I can never get Him to see. Understand intuitively for her, what I can never make Him comprehend if I talk until I'm blue in the face. Damn!

And she's perfect. Perfect size for everything. She fits on the spanking bench. Fits in the stocks. No struggle anywhere. None of the contortions that are just part of life with my tall gangly awkwardness. Back to geekiness...

They'll play, when they play, on a level that will be more equal than I'll ever get to. She'll bottom for Him intuitively and never have to wonder. She'll know what I'll never know.

So... I have someone new in my life that I don't know and don't really understand yet and I am totally freaked out. Because He loves her, my charge is to love her, too. He wants me to do that, and He sees my slowness to do that as recalcitrance, stubbornness, manipulativeness, controlling, even bitchiness. It doesn't feel that way to me, but maybe it is. He says it is. If He sees it that way, then that is the simple fact. I'm inside of this, spinning around in a whirl of emotions and stuff.

If I were going to try and make a connection and an eventual friendship, left to myself, I'd indulge in long, slow conversations, about whatever there was that we could find to talk about, whatever we had in common. I'd watch faces and eyes and listen to the sounds I heard and the silences that fell in between. I don't have that luxury. I have to make a friendship out of whole cloth. I honestly don't know how to do that, and yet that is what I must do -- not try to do. Do.

I figure now I'll really lose my mountains. There is gravity to New England now. I'd held onto the possibility but now... Time to let that go too.

And power on that side of the equation that wasn't there before. Input being fed into the system that changes the balance.

Oh well.

Give. Masters own slaves. And love as they will.

I've struggled with the hierarchy before. T has more latitude than I do. And in some ways she could exercise power over me. I've never had the sense that she does that. I know she could. Now I'm more vulnerable. No choice. No options. I don't feel good about that just now.

I'm angry and I'm afraid and it doesn't feel like something I bargained for. I know that isn't right exactly, but I still want to go out and kick things and yell and scream and rage just for a little while. There's no safe place to do that. So. So.

I'm being less than graceful about this. In the really ugly and dark times, it gets really ugly and dark. I can't go into that. I need to hold onto the light and ride this out. I need to trust that this will be OK. That it will be good.

So I've been trying to gather all my spiritual lifesavers around me and hang on.

I'm not coherent and I'm not nice and I'm not good.

Mostly I'm just almost mute.

swan