ENDORSEMENTS
Recently on Lock and Ki, J from the Blog "Unwrapping the Layers" explained that she had removed links on her Blog to Lock and Ki, and to this Blog, because she so disapproved of what had been revealed about our lives over the last week. She went on to say, "I have often gotten the idea from Swan's writings that her place in her poly family is not as secure as perhaps it should be, or that she was as cared for as she deserved to be." She also said in discussing why she removed her Blog links: "....the simple fact is that a link on my Blog is a personal endorsement from me."
I don't know when I've encountered a more amazing display of arrogance and condescension. I cannot imagine anyone feeling that, based upon what they read from people sharing their feelings and experiences on Blogs, they somehow have the wisdom to be able to judge whether they are secure enough and loved enough in their family.
The concept that it is a "fact" that a Blog link constitutes a personal endorsement of that person's life is so unbelievably false it was amazing to contemplate. I read it over 4 or 5 times thinkng that obvioulsy, in my early morning sleepiness, I was misreading what was before me.
I link to people becaue I enjoy what they write as does swan. Often they are people who seem to have similar interests, and for whom commenting on each other's writing is interesting. It has nothing to do with ENDORSEMENT.
I/we do not need endorsement for my/our lives. We have not asked for any nor will we. If we were to seek endorsement it certainly would be from someone far more experienced in the practice of BDSM polyamory, not someone who's been invovled in the the life monogamously for a couple or three years and who has little community experience except via the Blogosphere.
If anyone who has links here feels that somehow they are endorsing our lives please remove your link. We do not want endorsement. We want readership. We want community. We want discussion, debate, education, sharing concerns, fears and joys. We want to reciprocate in that way with you. We do not want to be judged nor will we tolerate that.
If anyone with whom we are linked thinks that somehow we are endorsing, and therefore "putting our stamp of approval" on your life, please be advised we are not. We care about our friends and correspondents and share with them but we do not judge them whether favorably as in an "endorsement" or negatively as in a "disendorsement." What you do is not our business. It is something we care about to the extent you are open to it. That is all. If you feel we are endorsing you plesse let us know. We will unlink.
I feel we are pretty experienced as lifestyle practitioners go. There is always someone more knowledgeable and more skilled. There are a great many who are less than we are. I have developed some skills and learned a few things. One of those few concepts is that I know what is right for me and my family. I have no idea what is right for anyone else who is not part of us.
J, I have told swan to remove our link to your BLOG. We are in for another intensely busy weekend and it may be Sunday before she has time to do so. Please don't comment here. We have no need to hear from folks who feel they are so wise as to be able to judge if we are secure enough and cared for enough in our family or who feel that they somehow are wise enough to "endorse" us or disendorse us.
I would suggest in the interest of what ethics you may have that you contact those whom you have linked with and inform them that their having your link on their Blog constitutes a personal endorsement by you of their life and that if they live outside your limits you will sadly be forced to remove your link and endorsement. They should know that you feel this "endorsement" is an undeniable fact of their having your link on their Blog.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
posted by Anonymous @ 6:13 PM
8 comments
8 Comments:
jewels, honey -- I never figured you for a wuss. I've played with Tom. I understood the pillow. I didn't ask Him of you what sort of play had happened on Friday night, but I'd gotten some inkling from the kind of conversations that had gone beforehand, what you two were contemplating. I knew you were in for it if you didn't do anything to put the brakes on. So...
I've been pushed around in cyberspace for a lot of years -- judged by and jumped by people I thought were "friends" in a lot of different venues. I understand how shocking it can be. You've been taken down by people who are the equivalent of "playground bullies." It isn't nice, and it can be really hurtful. They don't get nicer if you try and talk nice to them. Good people talk about how they feel. They don't call names and they don't kick you when you are down. Those who behave in that fashion are just wicked and the best bet is to identify them and take steps to keep them from being able to do you harm.
You didn't do anything wrong. Before. During. Or since. Period. Neither did Master. We are all tring to work it out. Those who are here watching, learning, trying to understand and support are welcome to the party. Bullies, on the other hand... those folks ought to just find another place to play.
swan
Erica, you missed the point of my post entirely. Of course J should express herself. That's what Blogs are for. Of course we are not diminished in some sense by her not linking to us. The number of people who choose to link or not is really pretty much irrelevant to us. I never commented when she took our link down. Quite frankly had jewels not mentioned it I wouldn't even have known it had occurred.
J hasn't the ability or the right to endorse our lives and had we had any idea that she thought she was I would certainly not have permited her link on our Blog. She doesn't have the abilty to judge the adequacy of our love or our security with each other in our relationships either whcih she specifically did. If you can't perceive the extreme rudeness and unethicalness of this behavior, I don't expect we are going to have much futh,ter fruitful discussion on this topic.
If she intends to use Blog links in this fashion she should perhaps people the opportunity to have the "Unwrapping the Layers Lifestyle Seal of Approval" posted on their Blogs. Then she could post the lifestyle standards they need to adhere to in order for them to continue to possess the honor of having their link.
I suspect this phenomenon of people thinking somehow that their lnks are "endorsements" of those Bloggers lifestyles, comes from people being so insecure about thier own lifestyles that they percieve others linking to them are giving them "votes of confidence" that they are "OK." They then, in turn, come to imagine that somehow when they link to others they are reciprocating in their "I'm OK, you're OK" transaction." Then, if they see something that gets them squicked, they fear that if they are linked that others may fear they too are like those others, and think they are not OK. Since they rely on the approval of others for their own limited sense of well-being about thier life, they then must unlink in defense of themselves. It is a remarkably adolescent dance.
We don't need others approavl, it's nice when it ocuurs of course and we appreciate it, but we are who we are living the lives we're living as mature secure adults. That doesn't mean we don't struggle. Clearly we do and we express it here. We also have joy and hard work and sickness and sex and poly and BDSM and love and fun and on and on............life. I think maybe someday we should subtitle our Blog "It's All Good:)"
All the best:)
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Love the way you go streight to the nub of the matter Tom.
It's refreshing to read.
Yes I have found your recent posts a little disturbing, but that's my problem.
The more I read the more I understand, this is great.
Thanks for sharing and increasing my understanding.
Paul.
Tom,
Oddly enough, I told my husband that your next move would be to hold me up to ridicule, and denounce me as judgemental.
You have deliberately misconstrued my use of the word endorsement. I used it in its meaning of "support" or "promote." A link on my blog is the same as me recommending a book to a friend. - "This is a great book and you should read it." Or, perhaps a political candidate - "This person has values that I share, and you should vote for him."
It is not, as you have noted, necessary or possible for me to approve or disapprove of another's lifestyle.
But whether I choose to promote it or not is my business.
You are still more than welcome to comment on my blog. I am quite capable of defending myself. But, as I am not welcome here, I will comment no further.
freya it is "nice" to meet you. We've not encountered you before. How interesting your opening statement here is to call me a hypocrite.
freya said, "Moreover, a link list is not an endorsement of anyone's life and I read that comment and that's not what J said."
J said, "But the simple fact is that a link on my Blog is a personal endorsement from me."
Please explain to me how these two statemtns are not in conflict?
It's rare that I welcome people to this Blog who begin the discourse by hurling insults. But you seem like someone who will be entertaining to have intellectual discourse with. Do you want to progress further?
Tom
Go confidnetly in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
J, if you look back at the quotes you made about us, which I quoted verbatim earlier in this notestream, you will find that it is you who very much expressed derogation of us, and that you very much asserted that you were removing your links as a removal of your "personal endoresment" of our lives. These are not interpretations. These are reflecting back to you what you specifically wrote. If you meant something else, fine, but there is no one here blessed with clarvoiyance to be able to know what you "really" meant intra-psychically.
I've never called you a name. I've never done anything but respond to your insults and condescension to us.
Had you simply removed your link and shut your mouth there would have been no issue. Had you removed your link and said you were squicked who could care....certainly not me. When you remove your link and announced that swan has nenver had the security and love she should have had...which is what you said.... and that you have decide to remove your "personal endorsement" of us...... you will receive all the reaction I can express.
I am not sorry you will not comment here further. Your absence will be welcomed. I certainly will not be commenting on your Blog or reading it.
Tom
For myself, I *do* consider my link to this blog to be an endorsement. I know you have no need of an endorsement, but in my own case, I *am* linking because I agree with you and what you are *really* saying in all of this.
I am not suggesting that people should copy your relationship(s) or the specific dynamics that you employ... I am endorsing the reality that people should be willing to take risks to grab on to what works for *them* and get off the script that hollywood and the media would have us believe is "normal".
Embracing who you are is a very good thing. Tom is a master. Swan is a slave. They are many more things than this, but the reality is that as a part of the whole of their being, they are entirely master and slave and have acknowledged that fact, and sought out likeminded partners to actually *do* something about it other than bottle up their feelings and sit in judgement of others.
I endorse them because they don't demand that anyone else believe what they believe, or play the way that they play, they simply share a piece of their lives with us... and in doing so, they let us *all* know that we are not alone. There is someone else out there who is willing to play a role other than the 6 or 7 roles that hollywood endorses.
I *have* been taken to task by some of *my* readers for endorsing this blog, because they are too small minded to accept that there is a freedom of will at work here, and there is an ongoing and incredibly strong will at work that is actively chosing to remain as a slave. period. The freedom of choice has not taken from Swan - it has been, and continues to be given up by her, every day.
Could she simply walk away? Yes. She chooses not to - every day - because she is an honorable woman, who chooses to honor her promises, because that is who she is.
Chances are, she would not define her actions the same way... but that is only because she cannot be anything but honorable because that is who she is.
As to the readers on *my* blog who have asked about the link, I figure that they have merely identified themselves as being prejudiced. Those that can grow past prejudice to become adults will be embraced. Those that cannot grow past their prejudice really have no reason to read my blog, and I am better off without them reading, and without their presence in my life.
algor -- I am humbled. To be seen so clearly, and to have that seeing be valued enough that it is worth "going to bat" for is something that I simply have no way to quite comprehend...
swan
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