What's it Worth When it's a Command?

I've been caught in an interesting sort of mental twist in terms of how things can be valued (or devalued) when I do them BECAUSE I am commanded to do them.

It seems a long time ago now that I read somewhere, in my early thirst for understanding of this life choice, that "when one sees a man and His slave, one truly sees only one man." I'm not sure where I found that, or I'd give proper credit. I remember thinking at the time that it was remarkable and profound to consider a unity of thinking and action between two people that might achieve such a level.

There are many things that I do, in my day to day living, that I would not necessarily choose to do, or initiate if it were left up to my own option. It is not. I am not my own person. I am His. When He commands, I do. I do not always like the things He commands. I do them anyway. Further, I do not announce which things that I do are of my volition and which are from Him. I simply do, to the best of my ability, and with as much integrity and faithfulfulness as I can.

This blog is like that. It is not of my choosing. It is from Him. Mostly. Especially when what comes up here is heavy, dark and deep. If it were my choice, such would never see the light of day. He commands me to share, to write, to expose and seek the companionship of others. That I do not preface every such piece with a disclaimer that says, "I am being told to write this..." does not make the communication less real or less honest or less me... witness the angst generated by my wallowing here a few weeks back.

Slavery is hard to explain when it is like this... What you see is only partly what you get. I cannot tell you exactly where the lines are; where what you are seeing is "me" and where what you are seeing is Him. I am shaped and formed and driven by what He would have me be. In ways large and small. Not brain-washed or beaten or incompetent as some would pose it, but owned and commanded. That may, in fact, devalue the truth of relating with and touching my life. You cannot have "me" without in some way having my slavery. You will be impacted by the FACT that I may be commanded to behave in a particular fashion, and that I may not specify the parameters of that behavior. If that feels less than genuine, less than real, less than valid...

I do not know how to reconcile that. I thought about that as I talked with the pharmacist last night on the phone (like a good girl). He didn't know I was calling him because I had to...

Sigh... How often does it happen? Everyday? I can't even think about it...

swan