Sunday, October 23, 2005

Say What???

Ever since we did all that Myers-Briggs business, I've been gnawing on this little bit from Master's profile --

"ENFPs...have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others."


I got caught in some fairly significant cognitive dissonance with that piece. So did He, to be honest.

There is simply no question about the Dominance under which I live, or where it comes from. So, when the concept of His not liking to control others was thrown out, it was something of a conversation stopper, to say the least. I've been mulling that one over ever since.

Here's where I am with it at this point.

I think it is true. He is not interested in "controlling others." Not even me. Control is mundane and mostly boring. He figures I can do that myself, and I suspect He prefers and expects that I ought to do it. In fact, when I don't do it, He gets annoyed. Much of the problem that blew up a few weeks ago when things spiraled into a crisis around here arose from the reality that my emotions took me to a level where I was no longer doing that.

There are those in the lifestyle who engage in a kind of power exchange that involves minute levels of control of the submissive partner by the Dominant partner. I think that such relationships have, at their core, a payoff of a very high level of "attentiveness." There is the certain surety, on the part of the submissive member of the pair that they are "seen" by the Dominant. Notice is a given in such dynamics. You cannot control at such a level without attending very closely to the details of the submissive's life and daily routines.

The dynamic here is not founded in that sort of exchange. I am owned, and that does not change when He is not looking at me, or focused on me in the moment. My life is service to His wants, needs, and desires. Too, our agreement is founded in an assumption that He will care for me and for my needs. That foundation remains even if there is no clear and immediate direction or communication from Him to me to reinforce it. The ownership is overarching.

Sometimes, life intrudes. There are significant demands that pull his attention and energy away. My role is to remain in place, to serve, to stay still, to hold the center. I know who I am, and to whom I belong. I do not need His control, even if I might sometimes want it.

There is the safety of the place that I curl into curl into when it is time to sleep each night -- pulled tightly under His chin, listening to His heart and His breathing. In that moment, I understand, that I can control, what is given to me to control by the one who owns my heart -- always and all ways.



At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Paul said...

Yes swan, I wondered when I read that, however you have clarified it beautifully, thank you.

At 11:14 AM, Anonymous jack said...

Dear Swan,

Your remarks certainly brought home what motivates me (and probably most males who call themselves submissive). What we crave is ATTENTION. We look for a person who we admire (a kind of hero or heroin) and we want him/her to pay attention to us. Frequently, proof of this attention is often expressed in some sort of disapproval when we displease. If we have any sadistic or masochistic tendencies we relish negative attention which will usually include personal humiliation usually involving submission to some form of Corporal Punishment.

Quite obviously you seek something “higher” than this. You appear to be seeking some sort of religious ecstasy. A motivation remarkably similar to the driving force of the religious who wants to surrender to his/her concept of The Divine.

Not for me! But I wish you luck. I follow your blog eagerly. My greatest interest is that, unlike the medieval mystic, your God is more transparent to us mortals.


At 9:31 PM, Blogger danae said...

I can totally relate to your post.

The post I made the other day about feeling out of sorts because so many blogs talk about all this strict control and 24 hour a day scenes and my life is not like that....and I felt maybe there was somethign wrong with me for not wanting or desiring it. It is about me serving and obeying as His slave and property.

At 6:22 AM, Blogger RAheretic's swan said...

danae -- I read that post. It did strike a chord with me. Too, I am pondering the power of other voices to spin me off in directions that are not helpful to me -- that is something that I am finding disturbing...
As my life makes transitions, I am trying to accommodate the sense of where I need to commit energies and focus... knowing that Master is my primary committment always.



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