Power Exchange and Polyamory -- Lessons

There are somethings that can be theorized about. Serious people can study and talk to those who have some level of knowledge and experience in an area of particular interest, and gather all the information and data that is available and formulate ideas and conjectures about how things "are." That is a worthwhile exercise and practice when you are setting off into relatively unknown territory. It makes sense to learn all you can from people who have been there before you, or who have, at the very least, done some thinking about it.

Until you've actually been there yourself, however, it is all still just speculation -- or even just guesswork. Whistling in the wind.

Somethings are even more complicated than that. I happen to be fascinated by an arcane corner of the mathematical universe that deals with fractal geometry -- self-replicating geometric forms that become infinitely smaller or larger according to specific formulas. In nature, fractals can be found in things like fern fronds and cloud formations; in science, we find them in things like antennae and circulatory systems. Fractals however, are infinitely more complex as they move from layer to layer... Just because you can "get" the pattern in the first iteration, doesn't mean you can hold onto it, conceptually in the next and the next and the next.

Our family "does" polyamory and we also consciously and consensually "do" relational power exchange. We have some knowledge and some experience. We have a functioning, stable household that hums along quite nicely and, usually, calmly balanced between the three of us. Our power exchange dynamic includes a Master, a submissive and a slave. We all know what those dynamics are and we all understand how to relate to and with each other inside that constellation.

That's what we, and mostly I, have written about here for months now.

Then there was a sudden shift; a shift brought about by a new set of relationships added to the mix -- a new layer of complexity. That shift caused, and is causing turbulence. If you've been reading, you've gotten to see some of it, and perhaps have had an inkling of some of the ruckus that has beset our world. For many of our readers, the discomfort has been palpable. For us the learning has been, and continues to be, significant. Not all of it is what I would have expected it to be.

First, it is my belief that there is a great divide between the "poly" world, and the BDSM world. The two co-mingle only peripherally. So those of us who do both are left with very few working models. Secondly, those who do both together the way our household does it are rarer than hens' teeth... We are continually confronted with the necessity of explaining the "heterosexuality" of our household, continually confronted with the dichotomies between T's role and mine in our BDSM relationships with Master, and until now somewhat of an enigma because ours has been a relatively closed triad. So, even inside the "outside" community to which we nominally belong, we were viewed as "odd." Making our own way.

Given that, there were a few "nuggets" that had been sort of the "gold-standard" of conventional wisdom for how poly relationships worked, whatever the other dynamics. We all knew the cliches:

-- Go no faster than the slowest one, and then slower than that.
-- Communication, communication, communication...
-- Everyone's feelings should get heard and honored.

But hey! Love is a funny thing. Love doesn't read the books.

Master falls in love and the books go out the window. Life kicks into high gear and things ratchet up. Hold on to your hats, we are going for a ride. Experience now, process it all as you can. Immediately would be good, but later will work if that's what has to be.

That is the nature of a total power exchange dynamic. He would very much have liked all of us (and me in particular) to have been as thrilled as He was. Would have liked everyone (and me in particular) to move and understand and "get it" at His speed. Would have liked everyone (and me in particular) to be comfortable and secure and calm. Felt badly that that was not the case. Even felt guilty that there was so much pain resulting from His needs, wants, and desires. Saw it, heard it, felt it. Ultimately, however, He is the Master. Those discomforts must give. Catch up. Understand whatever it is that is causing your pain and your fear and your insecurity and handle it.

Finally, He ran out of patience for the fussing, fuming, grousing... Called a halt to plans made. Capitulated to the breakdown, but made it clear that my behavior was unacceptable and outside the boundaries of the agreements a slave makes with a Master. He gave me the space and time that I'd been literally screaming for. It was a very difficult and dark space for the two of us. A break not in our caring for one another, but in our bond to one another as Master and slave. He simply let me go -- unwilling to hold me there in the state I'd gotten into.

I dropped into a silence and stillness within which I simply moved through my life. Functioning outwardly, but shredded at the core. I breathed through the next days. Listening. Trying to sort.

What had so frightened me?

There were the questions that might have been expected, the ones that He kept throwing up at me; questions of jealousy. Jealousy is a real thing and I am not an angel. Some of that, I believe played into this; although I don't think there is as much as He or anyone else believes. Still those issues are things like this --

He might love her better than me.
He might think she's more attractive than me.
He might think she's smarter than me.
He might want to play with her more than me.
He'll find out she's a way better play partner than me.
He'll think she's a better person than me.
She'll be better sexually than me.
He'll spend more time with her and less time with me.
He'll want to leave me and go to her.

That list goes on and on. Once you get it started, it has a life of its own. AND, I can handle almost all of those because I know the physical and emotional realities of my life. So I can talk to the silly, irrational person that does that kind of talk and calm that stuff down pretty easily. Even though Master believes that I don't share well in that realm, I really have found through all of this, that most of that is not an issue. I do have major insecurities about my abilities as a masochist, but also know, logically that when it comes down to it, in reality, that I can and do go there... So...

The much more difficult set of issues for me, were ones that I never anticipated. They were the questions that arose out of the power exchange dynamic itself. I think I had always assumed that, should there be additions to our family, they would be other women who would be submissive to Master, and therefore, peers with me. It very quickly became evident that this new relationship would have some other sort of footing. There would be some sort of power play involved, but clearly, this lady was not going to be part of the clan as a submissive, much less a slave. Furthemore, because, from a pure personality perspective, she's an almost identical twin to Master, Himself, it seemed likely that I was going to get not a sister submissive, but an adjunct dominant. WHOA!!!!

That's a twist I hadn't bargained for. No one set that up. No one intends that to be a negative. No one can do anything about that. There's no way to control or mitigate that circumstance. It simply is. The nature of the interaction is such that it will occur. Not actively probably. Not intentionally. As if by osmosis, almost certainly.

It doesn't change anything. It changes everything. It scares me witless. I don't know, now, who I am dealing with entirely. Still, I am committed and that has not changed. There are new possibilities and new challenges, surely. Now I understand, consciously, what some of those may be. Deep breath.

The nature of a total power exchange is that control is given to the One who holds it. In making that choice, there is the potential for circumstances to change, perhaps radically, in some unforeseen future. That has occured. I did not give consent to His ownership with the caveat that nothing would ever change. Nor did I ever promise Him that I'd be an easy one to control or manage.

In these weeks, change has come and I've been a handful. We've both learned.

I'm back in His collar and under His protection. The future will come and will be full and rich and interesting.

swan