Just an odd bit of space

It is odd how it goes between us these days. We are wrapped up in each other physically, and yet prohibited from any sort of intensity -- no sex for another week yet. We don't really talk about it, but it seems, to me at least, that there is tacit agreement between us that we'll do nothing to turn up the sexual heat...

So we have snuggled in and hugged one another close and tightly, but not spanked, and well, banked the flames to the point that whatever heat there might be there is pretty well imperceptible.

I know that He is indulging in self-gratification that might very well fall outside the limits set by the doctor for this post operative period. I tried in the first few days to discourage that, but it was made clear that He was not going to hear any of that from me or anyone else, so... I know where my lines are.

For me, trying not to up the ante means I am mostly doing without. Late at night, on a couple of occasions, after He's fallen asleep, I've tried to reach orgasm by myself, but I am too distracted and too wired up to find my way through the swirling thoughts in my head. We've been in this enforced "doing without" mode for way too long between my surgeries and now this. My focus is not sufficiently "focused."

My dreams are, however, intently focused. Increasingly luridly full of SM imagery, of being tightly bound and severely beaten -- unable to move, unable to scream, unable to change or control any of it. I know, rationally, that what I am dreaming up is beyond my capacity to endure in real time. Still, hunger is a funny thing...

What I know is that the road ahead of us looks not a whole lot less bumpy than the one we've recently traversed; that there are likely to be many more weeks and months ahead when we will survive on the slim rations of smiles, and tender looks, and clasped hands, and shared caresses. I know that there will be days ahead when I will surely be utterly grateful for the blessings of those gifts and I do not want to piss off the good spirits of the universe who pass out the goodies, but oh today, I am finding it hard to be satisfied...

swan

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