Turning Fifty

Saturday will be my birthday. Fifty years spent, and hopefully I've learned something and grown and done some good.

This one is supposed to be a big turning point. There are parts of it that feel that way I guess. Unavoidably, there is the fact that more of my years are behind me than lie ahead. I am simply unlikely to reach the age of 100 years. So. I've crossed a threshold. Should I have any doubts about that, the body reminds me with various aches and pains and creaks and cracks and pops. It surely sucks to get old. Although, I often remember that my Dad would say, "consider the alternative..." Then too, I can look in the mirror and note that, whatever magic potions I might apply to the skin morning, noon, and night, there are still the well-earned worry lines, and, YES, wrinkles that testify to the territory I've traveled across for all these 50 years. Oh well...

I've done what I've done up until now, and it will just have to be what it is. I think there is this inclination to pile it all up and then stand back and try and turn the pile into some sort of pre-legacy legacy. I'm not ready to start writing my epitaph just yet. The kids will have to see to that when I'm actually gone. The fact is that some of what I've done has turned out OK. Other choices, well... DAMN! I could have done a lot better a lot sooner -- If I hadn't been so naive, or stubborn, or foolish, or just plain determined to do it wrong! And the fact is that sometimes the "wrong" outcome was just plain and simple bad luck. Oh well. It got me what it got me and I learned what I learned and even the times that turned into messes led me to this point eventually. For that, I am grateful.

I do think that it all means something. I'm not convinced anymore that I have a clue what that is. I'm pretty sure that I'm not very important in the grand scheme of things. I am convinced that I'm supposed to be here, right where I am. That this connection was made before we knew about it consciously. The fact that we took so long to get it together goes back to that stuff about naive, stubborn, foolish, etc.

I think loving each other is good. I think listening and growing and touching the core of self is good. I think being truthful about who and what you are is good even when the world thinks that is weird and crazy. I think that there are times when you just have to take what comes and go on with life anyway. Sometimes we get so caught up waiting for things to "get better" or "settle down" or "normalize" that we miss out on the life that is happening now. Whatever is coming at us right now is the life we are given now. It is the normal life for this moment however wild and odd it might seem to us. If we put on hold all the good and simple joys of our days for the more "normal" life we imagine is coming someday, we will miss out on a million opportunities for smiles and hugs and laughter and warm human happinesses.

At least that's what I think today, on this side of the fifty year mark.

swan