Just a Butt...

And as if there isn't plenty else going on, I am struggling with the SM. Getting through it, but not well and not happily. No joy. And it is not because Himself is not trying to accommodate me. He's made adjustments, gone easy, tried to slow things down, lighten up, do it nicer, make it good for us both. Still...

I so often enter into the beginnings of a spanking in fear and dread.

My mind in a dark whirl.

Even when the setting is playful. Even when the intent is for our mutual pleasure, for foreplay, when the idea is entirely erotic...spank and fuck.

Where I used to ride through on simple breathing, and then on the mantra of "Yours always and all ways;" now I'm hearing the frantic voice in my head that keeps saying "it isn't me it's just a butt," OR "you're the butt."

And somewhere in the middle of it all, I so often get scared or angry or both. Not good.

What do I do? How do I find my way back? I know that I am the one who needs to make the adjustments. Every change that He's made so far has been genuinely kind and well meaning and sweet, and I still feel exactly like I do -- mostly alone and on my own in the midst of the pain and fear of a session.

It is, I think, the feeling of "aloneness" that makes it all so hard for me. I get spanked BECAUSE I want to BELONG to Him. Yet during the actual event, He is in His own space mostly.

I think that might be it for me at least.

Our session this morning was typical. AFTER it was all over, He talked about how neat it was to watch me squirm under the cane, how He enjoyed watching my butt turn pink. He asked if I knew how much that turned Him on and if I realized how "cute" that was. I told Him that I don't know anything about how it looks or how I look during a spanking -- no one tells me any of that and I have no way of knowing anything that is going on or anything that is going to happen. He was surprised and a little hurt. I think He thinks He talks to me a lot during a session, and He does tend to tell me that He loves me, and He expects and looks for the expected "I love you, Sir" in return. What doesn't happen is the kind of talk that would let me feel His ownership of me, His joy in that, His approval of my attempt to do what I do during a session because it pleases Him... Those are things that my submissive heart would feast on and soar into the ether on.

I'm just not sure that that sort of talk is really realistic to expect. I think that what fuels the spanking play between us is internal fantasizing for Him and I sometimes doubt that what is going on in His head (that makes it work for Him) lends itself to "talking" with me in the moment. The reality might actually be that I'm "alone" and that I really am "just a butt."

I sort of think that it is probably simple to handle this in "slave" terms. I just need to get the "poor me" part of it over with. Understand that there is nothing mean spirited going on and get myself in line with serving my Master.

Focus the right direction.

swan