Million Dollar Baby

We went to see "Million Dollar Baby" on Saturday night. It was the first time in many months that we'd been out to see any movie at all. There simply hasn't been anything at the theaters that has drawn us sufficiently to get us there...

We talked about going to see "Kinsey." Wanted to support the idea of it really. Especially because here, in this place it drew much criticism and backlash, but energy failed us during the very brief run it had in the "art" theater here in town. It was during one of those stretches of time that found me confined close to home physically and practically. So we didn't make it.

I know we talked some about "Hotel Rwanda" too, but again... we just didn't make it.

Why we got it together this time, I'm not sure, but we did.

Himself had been all day in the state capitol getting primed for some of the early rounds of what promises to be a huge battle for the state biennium budget. Political realities being what they are, there are moves afoot to cut deeply into services and supports that are simply vital to the survival of the disability community for which He advocates. This isn't about the niceties of life, or self-determination about which we've been advocating mostly since I arrived here in Ohio. Now we are talking about life and death. If these cuts stand, people will die. It is that simple and that stark. And we are not talking about a few. Hundreds. Thousands. Not maybe. Certainly. The most fragile and the most vulnerable and the most unable to speak for themselves... These are "His people." Malcolm asked what are the burdens on His shoulders... There is the beginning of it. There is the place where He will go to warrior mode, where He will fight and win (or die trying).
Along with all of that (which is in full swing now and bound to continue through until the budget is settled in July) His elderly parents are being forced by circumstances to relocate their living arrangements. They are both in their mid 90's, and His mother is in the early stages of dementia. Unfortunately, the continuing care community which they moved to several years ago (and invested a significant portion of their savings in) was not all it billed itself to be. As it turns out, now that His mother needs significant supports, the only way that the facility will provide those is if she leaves her home and moves into a hospital style room, away from her husband of 62 years. Her physical well-being may be maintained, but her/their mental and emotional health will be destroyed. Seems that is not a concern for this outfit. Nevermind the outrageous sums that have been collected for "continuing care" for the last several years. Bah!!! So Master and His Dad have had to scramble around and find new living arrangements for the two of them to forestall enforced separation at this stage of their lives. And arrange for some major household downsizing and a late-life move.

And then there is just the day to day stuff of work and kids and the sucky business of health and life when none of us are as young as we used to be.

So... "Million Dollar Baby"... If you haven't seen it, or don't know about how it ends, and don't want it spoiled, don't read any further... Stop here.

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It is a well done film. Well cast and entertaining and engaging. You can't help but get carried into the story and into the lives of the people. Caught up in the sheer power of the determination and the joy of Maggie Fitzgerald's dream.

And so her crash is even more devastating. Or at least it was to me.

It was, for me, a metaphor for the futility of battling and striving and trying to do it all "right." It came down to a sense, in the end, that none of it matters... that we are specks... that it is all a matter of random chance... that the bad guys win at least as often as the good guys do, maybe more often because they are willing to cheat, and that there is really, truly nothig at all that cares or gives a shit. In the end, we are all alone and nothing and no one can help us or hold us or save us. I was destroyed and devastated and heart broken by the whole thing. It was the most depressing, sad, terrible movie. I cried alone in the dark off and on all night. For me it triggered a terrible, dark, existential crisis.

Have I battled and struggled to define some "mythic" vision for my life, to create meaning, all for nothing? I suspect that the truth is that there is no meaning... And that sucks and really pisses me off. Mostly, I am afraid to end up being the one left behind with no one left to help me out at the end. Because, increasingly, I'm convinced, there's nothing else out here except the few we connect with here. There's no "there" there.

swan