Full Moon and Fear and Asking
We sat, late last night, on the patio and watched the full moon rise, golden and glowing. It came up late, probably about 10:30 or 10:45, long past the time when we'd wondered where the heck it was since the sky was clear and sprinkled with stars.
It had been a lovely evening, warm but not terribly humid, which is a rare thing here in Cincy in the summer. We had dinner out on the patio and enjoyed grilling chicken and just the opportunity to sit and visit and talk over the day's goings on with one another.
It is always a surprise to us that, with as many neighbors as we have here in this condominium complex, we are most often the only ones out on the patio in the evenings... we saw a few "walkers," but no one just sitting taking in the sounds of the pond and the frogs and the birds. In one visually poetic moment, just as the twilight faded to black, we watched a young couple walking together with their dog and their "just-walking" young child. They wandered along at that pace that is dictated by having someone in your world who is still consciously learning how to manage the battle with gravity, and we were enchanted watching them. Master commented on how absolutely joyous their life must be, and I wondered if they knew or if they were too busy "doing" it to notice...
We stayed there, mostly just holding one another's hands, watching that moon rise slowly against the bowl of the sky. Master had a bit of His Jameson's -- and then a bit more. Suddenly, what has been unspoken and looming between us, came pouring out: He is afraid of this upcoming surgery. Afraid for Himself, and afraid for us.
We've spoken only of positive and good outcomes until now. To do otherwise is like tempting the fates. He is strong and determined and (as He frequently boasts) not easy to kill. But, we all know that this is a brutal and difficult procedure...being done at a hospital that is not our first choice. Sigh.
On my knees, at His feet, with my arms wrapped around Him, I held my Master, and rocked and stroked and crooned the soft nothings that a woman learns/remembers when they first put a newborn infant in your arms moments after it's birth.
I have no words for this -- no answers -- no guarantees. I know that there is nowhere in my awareness any sense that I am about to suffer great and devastating loss. I am afraid, but I believe it is the fear that one feels for a loved one who is about to face a difficult ordeal. I might be in denial (although I am generally not prone to that) but I do not believe that I've finished this passage yet. I know that I will work and fight for His well-being and healing with every ounce of strength, and I know that T will be right there beside me. Together, we will make sure that He is cared for, responded to, and attended to in every possible way. All that He needs to bring to the table is His indomitable will. Of that I have no lack of confidence. So, if the surgeon has sufficient wisdom and skill and grace, all WILL BE GOOD.
From now until July 8, that is my sincere and humble and continual "ask" to the universe.
swan Link
posted by Sue @ 11:16 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Reading this takes me vividly back to when we were in similar situations - once with M, once with our little boy. I remember the numbing fear, the nerve-racking anticipation, the indescribable relief and joy when all went well. My thoughts and wishes for successful surgery and speedy recovery are with you. Take care.
orchidea
Tom, I am looking forward to hearing from sue as soon as your surgery is finished. In fact, I really want to hear about exactly when it is to take place, so that I can send some energy, what little is at my command.
It would be surprising if you did not feel fear. It's so good that you have sue, a strong and reliable friend, to confide it to. She'll look after you well.
A couple of years ago Rose fell through the ceiling and cracked her skull. She needed to have blood clots removed from her brain. It was a longish operation and in the next few days she gradually became less and less conscious. I had to make a decision whether to allow the surgeon to operate a second time: I said No , and with me all the time at her bedside, Claude sleeping in the room with us (we felt his presence would be beneficial to her), and help from other members of the family, she turned the corner and made a swift recovery.
Let's confide (the word that Nelson used before the Battle of Trafalgar - "England confides ..." - but the flag lieutenant sent the message as "England expects...") - let's confide that your surgery will be without complications and that you too will make a swift recovery. I have not heard about knee joints, and I'm not sure what kind of surgery you are having; but I have heard that hip joint replacements are very reliable. The knee is a more complicated joint, though.
Thanks everyone, for your kind words and positive energy. I am afraid, and know that that is no crime. I will not falter from fear, and I will overcome this.
I wish I were healthier. My knees have been quite bad this past year, but we waited until this summer when sue could be off school to have the surgery. Also, I had things I needed to do professionally. I am CEO of my nonprofit corporation and cannot just walk away for a protracted period of time and leave things unattended. I have made quite a sprint of activity so far this year, cramming much of a typical year's activities into six months so that I hope we can sustain a couple of months with me less than fucntional. In the meantime, I have not been able to exercise much more an issue of disability than time--but both have been factors. This is a sure-fired formula for me to gain weight and I am far heavier than I'd prefer to be going into this.
Malcolm the big day is July 8. The surgeon has done more knees than anyone in our area and does nothing but knees. There is a new less invasive knee replacement procedure and he was the first here to do them, so I hope we have selected wisely. This new procedure is supposed to reduce rehabilitation and recovery time by like 40% from the traditional knee replacement procedure, while still providing you with the tried and true prosthesis. So, we shall see.
Thanks again for all the support and acceptance of my being more than a little freaked out as I approach this. My life is the happiest it has ever been. If it had to end now, I'd have finally known true happines having accepted myself and getting to have sue and t in my life as I do. Our family, when we are together, feels more "at home" and well than anything I've ever known. On the other hand I expect another 40 years, and most frequently my expectations in life are born out--if they are in areas in which I have some control. I am sure this, will to a great degree, be a process that mostly I will control.
So, since I am consentling to have this done, does this constitute consensual pain? Damn, I'm about to undergo knee play. Now, I have some experience with ritual cutting, but this is some MAJOR cutting play.
I just have to get myself into some major D/s space and look at this as an ultimate cutting play adventure and get heavily into Topping from the bottom. T and sue will be happy to tell you that Topping from the bottom is not a concept unfamiliar to me when I attempt bottoming (if I'm permitted to get away with it). The problem is, if I try it with my two beautiful nurses, they are on to all my tricks:(
Tom
Thank you all for your good thoughts, your energies, your friendship, and your shared wisdom. You are very rapidly becoming important parts of our lives. We'll keep you posted on the outcome of the surgery as we can, although, as you might expect, there might not be much here in the early days. I imagine T and I will be pretty busy at KNEE CENTRAL in those first few days...
swan
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