Better today

We had a good day yesterday.

Finally had a chance to sleep in. That in itself was a gift. Then, slowly, as we awakened in one another's arms, and as He teased my body into sexual awakening, He and I approached the idea of playing with me back in the stocks.

This time, it didn't seem so completely, horrifyingly, frightening.

We'd already been playing at what we call "pussy-whacking" -- spanking on my labia and mons and thighs and cunt that can range from light and sensual to fairly intense. Depending on how aroused I am, it is a game that can be very difficult or very sexy. Yesterday, it was on the sexy side. So, when I moved to the stocks, that was at least some of what He continued with in the beginning. The sheer sexiness of it helped to keep my panic at bay.

He didn't put my head in the stock either -- only my ankles and my wrists were restrained...still a pretty definite constraint on my ability to move, but somehow far less intimidating psychologically.

He kept it sexy, scratching me and stroking me with the tip of a knife blade -- sending tingles and shivers all up and down my body. Eventually, my breathing calmed and slowed and I began to relax into the framework of the stock, to lean into it rather than to pull against it. Only then, when He sensed my beginning relaxation did He start to spank me with His hand -- no other implement, just firm and steady strokes with the warmth of His skin to reassure me that I was not alone.

I was covered with sweat -- cold and clammy and shivering, but still there and still in control of my fears, able to hang on and be with Him, and submit to His will. It was a huge step forward from the previous attempt.

He let me rest a bit and then offered me a choice: He would continue my spanking with either a paddle, a strap, or the cane -- my choice. I hate choices in the middle of sessions. My mind whirls in a thousand directions and I can't make it settle down to the decision point, but I also know that no decision lands me with all the options instead of just one. I managed to find the words to choose the cane. It isn't that I prefer the cane. Rather, it is that in the bent over position that the stocks impose, heavier implements feel bone jarring as the impact transmits itself into my spine. So lighter is better. Choice made. But then request required. Ask... Find the words... "Please Sir... " It took me what seemed like long minutes to figure it out -- what to ask for? He waited, and I finally managed, "Please Sir, use the rod on me" That seemed to satisfy, and we proceeded. It was difficult and I did cry and struggle and sweat even more, but I made it. I made it. And He told me that He was proud of me -- it's been so long since I've heard that...

We finished with a few minutes with my head in the stocks and a bit of hand spanking. That's still awfully difficult. Physically difficult on my shoulders and my neck. Emotionally and mentally difficult. It went better this time though, and I think I can learn this. With some time and some support and some coaching.

I feel better and softer and more secure today. More His. More myself. More in a place that I recognize. Less lost.

swan