Christmas gifting

The Swan's HeartI struggled with this one...

Way back last summer, He showed me a stock that He'd found on line. He was all excited about it, and thought it would just be such fun to put me into it and then spank, and cane, and use the singletail. I remember the rising sense of panic as He went on and on and on. I didn't say much at the time. Just let the conversation hang in the air, and eventually, it sort of died away.

For one thing, such furniture is not easy to come by, and it is expensive...

But then, I've been struggling with the masochistic side of our relationship in general. It is where I live, after all. Not all of who I am, or how we are together, of course. I know that he loves me, even without the SM part of my submission, but there is a huge component of my slavery that is predicated on the sadomasochistic power exchange between us. I know this. Knew it when I came to Him. I understand that what thrills Him is the pain that He milks from me, and that when I am struggling and fighting to stay with Him through the agony, that is the one thing that most delights Him. There was a time when that was erotic for me. When I found my way into an endorphin charged rush and escaped into a floaty mist of pleasurable sensuality. No more. The sadist has taken that away -- stripped away the erotic and sensual aspects of the experience and left the pain, until there is only the searing agony and the fear and the humbling knowledge that I will hurt and beg and most often break.

So, the late night voyage on-line to order the Stock that would lock me into position -- head, wrists, and ankles, for His pleasure, was more than the purchase of a gift. It was a journey into my fears. It was a facing of the dragons that live at the edges of the dark forests in my mind. Once the decision was made, I ventured from the warmth of my bed in the middle of the night to place the order in secret, pleading with the craftsman to make sure that the package would arrive in plain packaging so that the surprise would be assured. And then I waited in terror -- barely able to breathe for all the weeks, knowing that IT was coming, knowing that I had cast my own fate. The simple knowledge made me crazy with fear and anticipation, and dread.

And now... today, because a wild, historical snow storm has kept us all home here in the almost south of Cincinnati... We've opened our gifts a few days early and it is here and assembled and I've had my maiden voyage. I've survived, albeit not with a bit of panic and hyperventilation. He seems delighted. I'm glad for that. It is what I hoped. It scares me half to death. The sheer powerlessness of it.....

swan